After beginning to write on the universal subject of connection-seeking in conflict through Part 1 , where I focused on factors that make conversations difficult, and then Part 2 where the intent was to look at a course of aware & corrective action, I thought I may well have missed out on a crucial part of the larger story.
(Credit: Tim Mossholder, Unsplash)
The questions I asked myself are :
- Why do we find conflicting conversations so difficult to manage?
The answer to this came to me in a flash as I recalled the many conversations I have had with colleagues and friends who have allowed me into their professional & personal worlds.
EMOTIONS.
It's of course a simple way of describing something that is so much more complex. Fear, guilt, anger, shame, a sense of incompetence - conflict presents us with emotions and feelings that we have not been trained to view up close, feel and express.
- What lies beneath the reasons we cite for conversations turning conflicting and tough?
Beyond the difficult boss, the unrelenting peer and the unjust vendor, is a whole world that we conveniently forget. And it is not entirely our fault, because it takes time, reflection and application to start negotiating this space, alive in the background, even before a conflict can take place.
PERCEPTIONS.
They are different for each one of us and are often formed by our belief systems, values and deep seated conditioning stemming from early experiences. Yet, when our work contexts throw us into troubled waters, we aren't able to remember this simple psychological fact as easily.
So, in a circumstance such as this, what do we do about managing our perceptions and emotions and working through the conflict thats's right about us? Here are a few that we at Pivot Pipers have identified as being key to interpersonal, organisational and organisational conflicts :
- RESPECT DIVERSITY - From cultural to professional to even departmental, understanding contextual diversity is absolutely essential in bringing connection to difficult and conflicting conversations. The more diverse we are able to think, the more empathy we can create for ourselves and the other.
- DIALOGUE WITH INTENTION - In a professional context, many difficult and conflicting conversations are of critical importance. They often revolve around productivity, resources, recognition, confusions around responsibility and a number of other issues. While a dialogue often takes place, we may not pay as much attention to the "how". A good question to ask always is, "what are we trying to achieve jointly here?" A dialogue with mindful intention backing it can create a sense of wellbeing and relief even if the conversation goes through ups and downs.
- USE ACTIVE LISTENING - If hearing was enough, none of us would have found ourselves reacting with the a familiar set of behaviors in a conflicting situation. Instead, active listening can offer us an opportunity to listen to the other without being completely consumed by our own "triggers". Why active listening can be beneficial in a conflicting situation is not difficult to guess - it helps us go beyond "hearing" and needs us to focus on the other's narrative with a deep curiosity and interest.
- ASK FOR CLARIFICATIONS - As mentioned earlier, our perceptions get in the way of difficult yet important conversations more than we might like to admit. Frankly, it is not entirely possible to leave our specific world view and step into that of the other, just for the sake of peace and fruition. However, what is indeed doable is asking clarifying questions. This approach, taken cautiously and with empathy, can cast light on information you may not have had earlier while building human connect effectively.
- ACKNOWLEDGE THE EMOTIONS INVOLVED - We often tend to view conflict and conflict resolution through an intellectual lens. This prevents us from making space for the emotional subtext that is often a crucial element in conflict. How are we feeling? What are we feeling? Why are we feeling what we are feeling? It takes practice to process conflict through our emotional landscape, but one place to start is to simply talk about how we are feeling in the middle of conflict. Taking responsibility of our own emotions during discord can help us stay authentic and even pave the way for the other to accept and acknowledge their own emotions.
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