In the first writeup of the Bringing Connection to Difficult Conversations series , we touched upon behavior that invariably results in greater conflict or does little to resolve the status quo. From looking for a scapegoat to assuming our world view is the absolute, we have all, one way or another, been the cause of miscommunication.
In this piece, let's attempt to dig slightly deeper into some of the behavior we had discussed earlier and what can be an alternative.
At Pivot Pipers, we believe every conversation can either fetch gold or head south. The trick is to be able to remember how one's own behavior shapes and guides. We've identified three steps that can yield results even when interactions become uncomfortable:
So what do these three steps entail? Let's take a look.
- AWARENESS
As human beings, we are creatures of habit. Whether we know it or not, each of us has a style of initiating or participating in conversations. Mr. B, for example, stays enthused as long as a conversation is comfortable and non-confrontational, after which he begins to grow defensive, disconnected and finally shuts down any attempt at conversation. You'd say, hey that's not uncommon, and I'd say, you'e right. Any chance of the slightest conflict triggers our animal brain to react through the three Fs - Fight, Flight, Freeze. This is our brain signaling to our body - danger ahead! And, difficult conversations, mind you, can seem dangerous, when not handled with mindfulness. The idea is to become increasingly aware of
what your go-to behavior is to be able to unlock a more effective method of communication that does not involve defensiveness, aggression or stonewalling.
- CHOICE
Once we become aware, we are free to make choices. Would it serve to behave in the way we have been habituated to? The answer is almost always no, unless we have a good grip over difficult conversations. The choice-making actually needs to happen at multiple levels. For example, Ms. S has a habit of blaming others in the face of conflict. "This happened because I was at the receiving end."Do you see what she's doing? She is essentially saying, it was not my responsibility to course-correct. This might still be true but in a difficult conversation, the choice is really between assuming the stance of someone who feels victimized or someone who despite feeling victimized, can take the responsibility of their own actions. At another level, choice-making relates to distinguishing between fact and emotion, to be able to respond from that place. We might hold the emotion of anger, but the work is to not let that come in our way of seeing facts as they are.
- RESPONSE
Awareness and choice give way to the constructive state of "response" (as against the potentially destructive state of "react"). It is important to distinguish between the two because the definition of react curiously includes the word response : "to act in response to an agent or influence". Contrasted with reacting, responding helps us take a step back. It is a pause that helps us avoid a reaction. In a reaction, the trigger, or as the earlier definition puts it, an agent or influence, has power. In a response, the power rests with us. We choose to move away, take time, ponder over, or get to the point right away without delay. A state of "response"helps us choose our words, articulate our thoughts and emotions, clarify our stance as well as questions the other may pose and finally, move us towards healthy dialogue.
If you've read till the end, bravo! It is only a keen interest in negotiating conflict and difficult conversations that will lead us closer to what we want and who we want to become. Watch this space for "Bringing Connection to Difficult Conversations - Part 3", coming up soon!
Comments