(Photo by Joshua Ness, on Unsplash)
In these six crazy months of upheaval, work and otherwise, #Covid19 has come to mean different things for different people. However, talking to those I know, one thing has come to be apparent - what we are facing right now is a different kind of stress, nothing like what we have faced so far. For one, people have raging anxieties about the future, which includes "will I be able to sustain my job?", "how long before my company resolves pay cuts?", "is it fair for me to look forward to a promotion?"
You get the drift. All of this is intrapersonal communication, which is essentially self-talk bound to seep into the way we engage with our reportees, peers and even bosses. Stress that spills over and creates gaps and shortcomings in everyday communication, reducing the potential for compassion and true interaction considerably.
In this piece, let's look at what makes our conversations rusty whereas we all realize (and even hope) that they can be reasonable and inspiring.
- A ready need to blame -
Where each individual has decided whatever is going wrong is the fault of the other(s). From the outcomes of a project going wrong to employee goals not being met, factors apart from oneself take the brunt of the blame. Language used - "If s(he)/they didn't do so and so, such and such thing would not have happened." We all know this strain of thought, don't we?
- No distinction between fact and emotion -
There are always at least two parts to an incident : what happens and how we react to what happens. An inability to separate the two can lead to either self-blame or blaming the other. Language used - "This company does not value my contribution, what am I even doing here?" In this scenario, the fact may look like this - the company is under-staffed and is simply looking to keep the business afloat. The emotion, then, belongs to the employee, which seems to be saying : I feel undervalued, I want to be appreciated for my contribution. Both company and individual are under stress, but an inability to distinguish between fact and emotion creates additional turmoil.
- Assume, react, repeat -
It is easy to mistake our view of an incident to be the absolute view. Our world view is precious to us and when an outside event plays out, we tend to try and fit it to how we understand the world. Language used : "I know X said this to Y because Y was at fault." This may well be true, but a classic feature of an assumption is this : a singular view is given precedence, whereas in reality, multiple views co-exist.
- Avoidance of conflict -
Let's cut to the chase and say, conflict is a word that's frowned upon. It is because conflicts represent scenarios where viewpoints aren't heard or evaluated. Now through my own work as a communications specialist and someone who has interacted with people closely in teams and otherwise, I have realised if conflict is a problem, avoidance of conflict is even more so. Language used : "Why should I even raise this? This should be understood." or "It's best to keep quiet, there's enough on everyone's plate already." The point is to remember that avoidance of conflict is NOT resolution - it is only pushing out conflict to a later date.
In Bringing Connection to Difficult Conversations Part 2, I will be touching upon what can inspire us to have difficult conversations, no matter how entangled or complicated they may seem. As Fyodor Dostoevsky is known to have said, "Much unhappiness has come to the world because of bewilderment and things left unsaid." Let's get on with it and let's do it differently!
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